All Adventurous Girls Do.

26 year-old Midwestern girl.
Taking a new path in life.
Join me?

Welp…

I met my goal. Annnnd now I’ve set a new goal for myself. Nutso, I know. But I really want to keep going until I’m content with my body. Or at least my stomach. To be honest, I don’t even know if it’s possible. I may just end up with loose skin…which is kind of breaking my heart. I know it’s stupid, but seriously. It’s hard to think that I’ve done all of this to only end up with a still-shitty body. Yes, I’m smaller. Much, much smaller. Even though I don’t feel like it a lot of times. I know I am. I haven’t bought a new pair of jeans in ages. My size 8 jeans are too big, but I have a dress I bought from ASOS last December that is a size 8 and I’m not even close to being able to zip it up. Do any of you buy from there? Do their clothes just run small or what? Because it sucks. So, anyways. The loose skin issue…I’ve talked about it with my mom and she doesn’t see the big deal. The big deal is I’m only 26 years old. I have A LOT of years ahead of me (hopefully…) and I don’t want to spend anymore time hating myself. I’m already about 98% sure I’ll be getting a boob job in the future. Oddly, my mom is sort of supportive of that one…ha. I wish I could be one of those people that just loves their body unconditionally no matter what, but I’m not. I accept it to a certain degree, but like I said - I’m still young. I want to feel desirable and not have all of these issues holding me back. 

So much rambling. I feel like whenever I write here it’s just a bunch of word vomit. I’m still in a bit of a depression. It has gotten a litttttle better. Just a little. My ex dumped the girl he ditched me for and the same day texted me at 4am wanting to set up a date for the following week. Of course he did. This is my life, after all. His interest was short-lived, though. I haven’t heard from him in a while and I doubt I will. Probably found someone shiny and new (and looking like a human lollipop/basketball - seriously, the girls he goes for are always way too tan and soooooo grossly skinny). 

Ok, seriously. Enough rambling. I might try to update more often…but honestly it’d be a lot of complaining and I kind of hate doing that. I’m going by the BMI chart as to what my new goal is. I know BMI doesn’t mean much, and I may not even stick to it. Really, I’m just going to keep going until I’m happier with my body. Whatever that number is. I would’ve stopped a long time ago had I been happy at 150, 140, etc. Buuuut I wasn’t. And so it goes on and on…

SW: 204lbs

GW: 114lbs (or whenever I am content)

CW: 122.6lbs

Total amount lost since January 2012: 81.4lbs

I’m also looking for some good workout programs or even just exercises that would help tone me up. I know everyone on Tumblr is all into Insanity, but honestly…I know I wouldn’t stick to it. Yeah, it’s a lame thing to say but I know myself. I won’t enjoy it, and if I don’t enjoy something, I won’t stick to it. I really enjoyed the Brazilian butt workout I was doing, and I’ll probably still do that a few times a week, but something else would be nice, too. So, any suggestions are welcome :)

I don’t know how much I weigh. I stepped on the scale this morning and the number didn’t even register with me at all. I really tried to stay positive the last few weeks. I did. But I feel like I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole. I can’t shake this depression, and it’s just getting worse. I probably won’t be blogging every day. I have nothing to say. I’m so sick of wanting to look a certain way. I’m so sick of hating myself. I’m so sick of being unhappy - of nothing, absolutely nothing, working out. I’m sick of absolutely everything. 

DAY 12

Alright, so yesterday sucked. That’s become standard, unfortunately. Hopefully today will be better. No loss since yesterday, but I expected that. It had to slow down at some point, and plus - I didn’t stick to my diet yesterday. Whatever. I’m not going to write a bunch today, it would be all whining and I’m not in the mood. Hope everyone has a good Friday, and doesn’t have to work the weekend like I do. Boooooo. 

DAY 11

Today is just one of those days…one of those days that fucking blows. This has got to be one of the most negative blogs ever. I am the worst.

SW: 132.2lbs

GW: 125lbs

CW: 127.4lbs

Weight lost to date: 76.6lbs

I just feel so goddamn ugly today. I wish I could by like so many people I follow who are just super confident and think they’re beautiful. I’m just not. I honestly think I’m ridiculously unattractive. It’s crippling. Some days I feel better about myself. Others, like today, I see myself the same way I did a year ago. How the fuck can someone lose over 70lbs and STILL see themselves the same way? It’s horrible. God, I need therapy in the worst way. I couldn’t sleep last night at all, who knows why. It was stormy, but that usually doesn’t bother me. Maybe that’s why I’m so cranky and down today. Whatever. I go back to work tomorrow, so at least I’ll have a break from myself for 12 hours or so. 

DAY 10

I have NO flippin’ idea what the hell is going on with my body, but damn it’d be nice if it could continue. I have the next two days off of work and oh my god I am so glad. I need to find a new job. I’ve hit my limit with this one. Working with kids can be awesome, when the kids are awesome. These kids - they are little heathens. Like i really need the added stress. 

SW: 132.2lbs

GW: 125lbs

CW: 127.6lbs

Weight lost to date: 76.4lbs

I guess my strategy of healthier snacks is working. I had gotten back into the habit of eating chips (yuuuuck, I didn’t even really miss them - I was just eating them because they’re there) and things like ice cream at night. Now I’ve been snacking on fruit, cinnamon roasted almonds, rice cakes with peanut butter, hummus…things like that. Guess I’ll stick to it :) I know this amount of weight loss is definitely not going to go on much longer. It’s freakish, but hey I’m not complaining. Now if only I could start seeing some results from my exercises…

DAY 9

Yesterday was horrible, but at least I woke up to a complete fluke this morning. I lost over a pound. Weird. I’m sore from my workout (yay!) so at least that went well. I ended up having to work late yesterday, which was torture. I got really, really agitated the last hour or so. I don’t know what it was, but I just wanted to punch someone. Specifically, my ex. See? This is the whole issue I’m having right now - soooo bored that I analyze everything about our breakup. Which just makes me feel worse. It must be nice to not give a shit to the extent that you can just throw people away like they’re absolutely nothing. Too bad I can’t be more like him. Then I started thinking about why I started this whole thing. Imagine being in love with someone who will NEVER think you’re good enough. Who, even though they love everything else about you, and admits that you are exactly what they want/have been looking for, refuse to “settle” for someone with your aesthetics. It’s the worst feeling. And as much as everyone can say I need to move on and forget him because of this, it doesn’t make it any easier. I’m not in a good place right now. As much as I try to stay positive, it’s not working. And I can’t even blame it on hormones, so I guess I’ll just have to deal with it. 

SW: 132.2lbs

GW: 125lbs

CW: 128.4lbs

Weight lost to date: 75.6lbs

At least I’m back at 75+lbs lost. 

DAY 8

Good god, I’m so awful at sticking with things these days. I went wayyy over my calories yesterday. Granted, most of it was fruit (and some cereal) which I shouldn’t beat myself up over. I still lost weight, and I’m at the point where I really enjoy my workout. It’s hard, but it’s pretty much the only part of my day where I can totally zone out.

SW: 132.2lbs

GW: 125lbs

CW: 129.6lbs

Weight lost to date: 74.4lbs

The main reason I keep updating the “weight lost to date” is because I still feel like a bit of a failure. I thought I’d be at my goal by now. Well, a long time ago, actually. I need to keep beating it into my head that I’ve come a LONG way. I found a t-shirt last night that used to be a little snug on me. It’s now basically a dress. It’s HUGE. I wish so much that I had a picture of me at my highest weight wearing it so I could compare. 

I’m working way too much this week. I’m sort of dreading it, even though the cash flow will be nice. The truth is, my job is pretty damn boring. Which makes it hard not to focus on certain things I’d rather not focus on. I’m a full month into my breakup, and I’m SO ready to stop being an emotional mess. I thought I was making progress, and then BAM! Last night out of nowhere I just went on a crying jag. I hate it. I just keep wishing for him to be miserable (yeah, I’m not the bigger person here obviously), but for real - why does it always seem that everyone else gets what they want? Even if it’s short-lived for some people, they get to be happy. They get exactly what they want, when they aren’t very nice people. it’s undeserving. Maybe I don’t deserve it either, but damn…

There’s my mini pity party for the day, sorry!

DAY 7

No work today! I slept in, and damn it felt good. It also feels good to NOT be bloated from my period anymore. Thank god. I say it every month, but being a girl blows sometimes. My weight is back down a bit, and I really, really need to consider weighing myself only once a week. This every day thing drives me nuts, but I also know myself enough to know that I probably wouldn’t stick to that plan for very long. I didn’t end up working out last night - horrible, I know. I was so freaking exhausted. I put on my workout clothes, sat down to put on my shoes and didn’t get up for and hour and a half. I’ll make up for it today. I’m doing the butt workout (I still laugh when I think of myself being so damn obsessed with having a nice ass) and work on my arms. My abs are still a little sore from a few days ago…so, obviously I’m completely weak ha. Hopefully that’ll change if I stick to it. I had planned on doing it every day to speed up the results, but it works your muscles SO much, I’m going to stick to the recommended 3-4 times per week. They still say you should see awesome results within 2 weeks, so we’ll see!

SW: 132.2lbs

GW: 125lbs

CW: 130lbs

Weight lost to date: 74lbs

I did awful with my water intake yesterday and I’m feeling it today. I’m headachy (hardly ever happens anymore since changing my diet!) so I’ll be chugging water all day and catching up on some Netflix (so exciting, I know). The good thing about my new workouts is since I’m NOT following a DVD, I can use that time to put my Roku to good use and it makes the time go by so much faster. 

DAYS 5/6

Well, this week is just shitty. I weighed myself yesterday morning and had gained .6lb. I figured it was just because I was on my period. Now my period is basically over and I’m still up .6lb. I’m having trouble keeping motivated. I’m sticking to my workout schedule, but the eating…well, I’m just not being as strong as I could be. I’m working all day today, and after working 13 hours yesterday I’ll be ready to collapse tonight. Still gonna do my butt/arm workout, though! I need to start seeing some improvements again to help keep me on track.

DAY 4

So, I stuck to my diet pretty well yesterday. I hadn’t planned any snacks, but ended up munching on some strawberries and almonds, so at least they were healthy snacks. My workout about killed me. Holy shit. Who knew trying to get a nice ass would give you such a good workout. Actually, I did know that…but still. I’m pretty sore today, and that’s a-ok with me. I’m working the next two days, so at least I’ll have some things to do so I don’t sit around hating everyone/everything. That’s a plus, at least.

SW: 132.2lbs

GW: 125lbs

CW: 131lbs

Weight lost to date: 73lbs

I’m sloooowly getting back down. I’m probably a little under 131lbs since I started my period last night. I’ll feel much better when I hit 75lbs lost again. That was a super nice feeling.